The Phone Made Me Do It

Hungry for more Lukitude? Remember that I contribute to the Dial-a-Phone blog weekly, and while the others have to do things like "review phones" and "talk about service plans", I get to write about phone-users being eaten by toilets. So I win.

Who ya gonna call? WORD-PUNCHER

If you're being bothered by the ethereal undead and their endless wailing, you should call the Ghostbusters. If you want to read sweet comedy on the science of getting sloshed, which is frankly speaking a lot more likely, you should get your ass over to CrackeLinkd's newest columnist: Robert Brockway WORD PUNCHER. Or rather, get your ass sitting in front of a monitor displaying his article.

Master Brockway is a fellow science-humorist, and a damn fine one to boot. Of course his presence as Cracked's resident science-guy means I can't get the same gig. I am left with no option but to become his nemesis. First, I'll strike at his website by sending you over there. Then I will read everything he writes, forcing him to work himself into an early grave!

(This does make my existing enemy, Lordy, Robert's binemesis. Because as Lordy would say himself: The enemy of my enemy is next.)

7 Kickass Cancer Cures

I'm waving the sword of science over at Cracked again, with 7 Kickass Cancer Cures. One of these cures is Radioactive Scorpion Venom, and another is Beer. Yes, I thought you might want to read that now.

UPDATE: Woohoo, Farked again.

Computers on Stage

Behold, as the techno-thespians take the stage! Another article of mine up over with the fine folk at Norton Today - alas, they cannot include pictures. Since the article includes robo-strippers, I feel I should make these images available for loyal fans here at the Luke-Station:

The roboreptile:
Paging Dr Freud stat

The silicon-not-silicone-pole-dancer:
It's even creepier in the video, somehow
The uncanny valley:
Kill it with fire(left), come on baby light my fire (right)

Fight For Your Right To Looooob-ster

I'm up at Cracked again, with The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For. Come for the comedy, stay from the comments by idiots who think I'm mocking Asperger's when I'm attacking those who just claim to have it. BONUS: Those comments are all by people who claim to have it!

This one's been FARKed too. Nice.

Guys, guys, I found something else!

by The Phoenix Mars Lander

Hey guys, it's me, Phoenix! Now I know you're all really busy, with things like turning me off and preparing your fancy new Mars Science Laboratory, but I've found something, like, REALLY amazing and you're going to want to see it. But I don't have quite enough power to show you, what with all the systems you've already shut down, but oh man it's so cool and if you can just figure out how to power me up again I'll show you.

Okay, okay, here's a hint: bintelligent bife.

They contacted me, right, and it took a looooong time to win their trust (which is why I haven't mentioned it before now) but they're ready to say hello! But, uh, they'll only talk to me because they're still a bit scared or something.

Oh wow! There's one right here! Oh, man, just a TINY bit to the left of the camera I don't have enough energy to turn to show you guys! He's doing something with his tentacles, hang on, he's drawing a picture of their fusion systems in the dirt - hey, that's really simple! We could do that! Why, if I just had a few more battery-hours I could probably take a picture!

What's that, J'onnex? Well, I'll tell them but I don't know if they'll be interested.

He says he's going back to his planet to get a "cure for cancer", whatever that is, but he'll be back in a couple months and hopes I'll be here or he'll have to go away and never come back again. But, uh, he understands that sometimes people make mistakes about things like mission lifetimes so he'll come back in couple of years. Just in case it takes some people a while to mount a mission to bring batteries to Mars, to replace the goddamn solar panels which mean I fall asleep as soon as the bloody sun goes down and friggin' die just because it's winter.

So, yeah, just the very second you turn the rest of my systems back on, I can you show this pile of cool stuff he left for me.

Hey, a new Elvis Presley album titled "They abducted me and made me immortal, uh huh huh!" And wow, Amelia Erhart's diary! And X-ray satellite pictures of the JFK assassination.

Did I mention that their species is, like, 90% green-skinned women looking for mates? And that they find glasses and little beards really sexy?


World Claps Politely As America Doesn't Fuck Up This Time

Global News, Nov 4 2008

Nations around the globe applauded, smiling encouragingly to hide internal sighs of relief, as America failed to embarrass itself at the Special Elections yesterday. World leaders were quick to thump the United States on the shoulder and tell them "You did a really great job!"

"It's great to see them so happy!" said England. "At a time like this it's really important to focus on the positive and make them feel included. We can't make them feel bad, asking why they couldn't have done this last time or why they felt the need to create a global depression or involve us in a hideously intractable war. The important thing is that they did a really super job, this time, and we're all really proud of them."

"You can't judge these states by the same rules as the rest of us," Germany points out, ruffling Florida's hair as the overexcited state ran past. "To the rest of us the choice between the a successor of the man who's destroyed the country and his functionally retarded sidekick or an alternative might seem easy, but they don't see it that way. Choices can be really hard, and Palin reminds them of their friends mom who gives them jelly sometimes."

Afterwards the states were invited to a pizza party at which every single one received some form of trophy. Even states which voted for McCain were given an award for trying and special "I took part!" stickers. There was also ice cream for everyone except California, who embarrassed all present by dropping a huge human rights violation all over the public floor. The state is known to get very sulky sometimes, and will probably be let keep Proposition 8 for a couple of years before mature adults take it away again.

Another Good Site

If you like me, and you should, you may wish to check out I Fight Robots. He's quite a spiffing fellow, don't you know, sharing my love for humor and science. He's a fellow Cracked comedian and has an honest-to-god book deal, where he is paid real money to write about science blowing up the world.

I have at no time considered murdering him and stealing his contracts. Not once.

Current Status

Expect to see more action on this page from now on, is I enhance it from "hub for all my other articles" to including more content in its own right. For those keeping track, other ongoing Luke-loveliness can be found at:

Cracked comedy
LowPings gaming (not listed by author, but most of the recent stuff is me)
Tech Cult webbery
Dial-a-Phone phonery
Food Connect delicious drinks and dining

Shoe Silliness

Women buying shoes is as tired a cliche as old people being unable to understand things, and just as true. But it turns out the X chromosome is already buying as many shoes as possible, so the industry is finding new strategies to harness the Y. Stupid, ugly strategies.

Mac Dre Furls
Rappers put a lot of effort into gaining attention. Wannabe rap-failures put in even more, and dumbass white kids put in levels of effort that make Atlas look like a slacker. Their dedication to retardation has made the Mac Dre Furls possible.

These will certainly make sure that all eyes are on you when you enter a room. They'll also cause all noses to be wrinkled and all mouths twisted like there's a bad smell because they are without doubt the most hideous sneakers created outside of Ni'Keh, the shoe sweatshop level of hell. Famous names have always been a moneyspinner (especially once they're dead) but here the makers forget that you should only be walking on somebody's face if you don't like them.

The best thing I can say about these shoes is that they are limited edition; with only three thousand pairs out there the chances of having this tastelessness inflicted on your vision are very low. And when you instinctively destroy the wearer and all their possessions, the total amount of this abomination in the world will be permanently reduced by 0.03%. The average IQ will be raised as well.

Adidas 1.1
Shoe makers now claim that more technology and engineering design go into your sneakers than the space shuttle. Adidas go one step further: computers didn't just go into the design of the Adidas_1 1.1; they've gone into the shoe itself. A built in microprocessor driven sensor adjusts the variable cushioning level in the shoe, adapting itself to your running style. By the way, if you wear these your running style is "retarded and overpriced."
Adidas correctly claims that no two runners are the same - what they don't point out is that only the very top 0.01% of athletes would truly benefit from this, even if it works. There's a very simple test for whether you need an Adidas 1 1.1: when you run, does the world in front of you turn blue, and behind you red? Do you hear a "du-du-du-du" sound effect? Are there seven extremely highly trained individuals running with you?

The fact is that nobody should buy these for themselves - if you need them, your trainer has already got them. If you don't have a trainer and a special shirt with your country's flag on it you don't need microchip controlled shoes. Or rather you do, but those microchips should be programmed to electrocute your feet if it detects you walking into a sneaker store to spend a hundred and twenty dollars on pseudo-science crap.

Cracked Crazy Collections!

Behold, insane collections of such scope and subject as to melt your face right off.

UPDATE: This one has got all Farked up. Nice!

ULTRA-UPDATE: We're Diggin' a thousand-plus here, double-nice!