Shoe Silliness

Women buying shoes is as tired a cliche as old people being unable to understand things, and just as true. But it turns out the X chromosome is already buying as many shoes as possible, so the industry is finding new strategies to harness the Y. Stupid, ugly strategies.

Mac Dre Furls
Rappers put a lot of effort into gaining attention. Wannabe rap-failures put in even more, and dumbass white kids put in levels of effort that make Atlas look like a slacker. Their dedication to retardation has made the Mac Dre Furls possible.

These will certainly make sure that all eyes are on you when you enter a room. They'll also cause all noses to be wrinkled and all mouths twisted like there's a bad smell because they are without doubt the most hideous sneakers created outside of Ni'Keh, the shoe sweatshop level of hell. Famous names have always been a moneyspinner (especially once they're dead) but here the makers forget that you should only be walking on somebody's face if you don't like them.

The best thing I can say about these shoes is that they are limited edition; with only three thousand pairs out there the chances of having this tastelessness inflicted on your vision are very low. And when you instinctively destroy the wearer and all their possessions, the total amount of this abomination in the world will be permanently reduced by 0.03%. The average IQ will be raised as well.

Adidas 1.1
Shoe makers now claim that more technology and engineering design go into your sneakers than the space shuttle. Adidas go one step further: computers didn't just go into the design of the Adidas_1 1.1; they've gone into the shoe itself. A built in microprocessor driven sensor adjusts the variable cushioning level in the shoe, adapting itself to your running style. By the way, if you wear these your running style is "retarded and overpriced."
Adidas correctly claims that no two runners are the same - what they don't point out is that only the very top 0.01% of athletes would truly benefit from this, even if it works. There's a very simple test for whether you need an Adidas 1 1.1: when you run, does the world in front of you turn blue, and behind you red? Do you hear a "du-du-du-du" sound effect? Are there seven extremely highly trained individuals running with you?

The fact is that nobody should buy these for themselves - if you need them, your trainer has already got them. If you don't have a trainer and a special shirt with your country's flag on it you don't need microchip controlled shoes. Or rather you do, but those microchips should be programmed to electrocute your feet if it detects you walking into a sneaker store to spend a hundred and twenty dollars on pseudo-science crap.