Luke Online: Week Ending Fed 22 2009

Some scientific fun over at The Daily Galaxy, with communications satellites blowing up, the Titan/Europa debate being decided, a little bit on curing the common cold, and Gravity Disturbances on the Dark Side of the Moon (dundunDUNNNN).

At Dial-a-Phone we see some alarm clocks that rouse you through sheer robot-fear, while the LowPings article tackles the most pathetic of modern hackers: exploiters.

*Note: unnecessary and quite horrifically forced slang triggered to counter the fact we're actually talking about calendars.

At FoodConnect, aka "Those gorgeous angelic beings who pay me to drink and eat" (and just click outside their silly join box), behold:

Yes, my writing duty demanded that I eat half a ton of mussels, drink beer, develop even more love in my lover while simultaneously getting sugar, and eat the ultimate fusion of bacon, chilli and sucrose. WARNING: A shitload of animals were harmed in the making of these articles, as "digested" are about as harmed as it gets.

Sign Function: "Gentlemen"

From a changing room:

This sign has a multitude of problems:
Number one is "It exists, and therefore damns the entire male gender."
Number two is "The targets exist, despite the wide availability of bludgeoning instruments."
The third is "assuming the target can read", which is like a sexy co-ed hoping that the axe murderer is distracted by the fine lacework on her skimpy nightie. Any information campaign has to intelligently target their audience, and "writing" might be a bit highbrow for someone prepared to walk into a public place and fire their face into the facilities like a snot-loaded shotgun.

Perhaps marking the area with urine or a dismembered carcass might be better suited, and still less disgusting than naked men blasting streamers of mucus, like the worlds worst party-popper, all over the place people wash their hands. Or at least did until they saw this sign.

"Refrain" is a problem too. Some snotgunners might actually read the sign, because even Neanderthal man made marks on the walls of his cave, but "refrain" will jam both their neurons until someone finds an English-to-grunt dictionary. When scientists taught gorillas sign language they used words like "hello" and "pretty", rather than "Felicitations" and "delightful". I wouldn't want to make insulting comparisons, but gorillas have never come into my sports center and blown their noses into the goddamn sink.

Luke Online: Week Ending Feb 9 2009

What's more fun than annihilating your inferiors with one hundred and fifty kilograms of minigun?
Getting paid for it! Like I did with Five Things To Do While Slowed By Natascha for the fine folks over at Lowpings.

We had a lot of fun at the Daily Galaxy this week. The biggest hit was Unnatural Selection: Evolving, Improving, Implacable Robots. Or as I prefer to look at it,
Oh yes. Other enjoyabilities included Black Hole Bullshit: Five Rubbish "Risks" Of The LHC, making ecologists burn butterflies for solar power, people getting upset over fossils, and the recent highs and lows of Google projects. In this case "highs" means Atlantis and Mars, "lows" means cutting off the internet. Important chaps, Google.

Ever wanted to get your ass arrested while being sure that ass has more cheeks than you have IQ points? Follow the fine example of these phone felon folk. And which costs more: watching TV, a duck quacking, or phoning a sex line? The answer isn't what you think, but since you're actually able to read you probably aren't the guy who was charged thirty thousand pounds for an episode of Prison Break. Also, SND POLICE KTHXBAI!, mobile phone gaming beating the recession and Motorala losing over three billion dollars (presumably down the back of a sofa ten miles tall and made of unicorn skin).

(Just click outside the stupid "Join Now" box)

I love this bit, where "bit" is "where I get paid for eating and drinking." This week: gigantic sausages on sticks (yes, plural sticks are required), valentine-compatible drinks, and I recoup a few percent of a five hundred dollar bar bill (worth every cent).

Seven internet-enabled reasons you should be able to sterilize people via HTML at 7 Retarded Hate Sites. Bonus: people burning effigies of herbs in public!

I look at how actually leaving the computer and dealing with co-workers might help. But that assumes you have the kind of job where you arent' reading this, so maybe you should just stay put.

What to do with Absolut

Through no fault of your own, you may end up with a bottle of Absolut. Maybe it was a gift from a now ex-friend. Maybe your future child is a vital resistance leader, but time-traveling robots are making sure your sexy Russian secret agent lover storms out of your flat in disgust instead. Maybe you got really drunk and did something stupid, but weren't lucky enough to just wake up with a bloodstained knife.

The fact is you're now stuck with a liter of the worst vodka in the world. Throwing it out would break Rule Number One of having a liquor cabinet. Actually drinking it would break all the others. I've been stung by an atrocious excess of Absolut as part of my scientific study of alcohology, specifically the chapter on "containers I wouldn't disrespect my bladder by pissing into", and can offer four options for exorcising your drinks shelf.

To use Absolut in a cocktail, you can:
  1. Find some ingredient that absolutely obliterates the taste of anything it's mixed with. To cancel the awfulness of Absolut I can only recommend plutonium, the fluids of rotting durian, or maybe Kryptonite. It's a radioactive poison used by billionaire villains to kill the embodiment of good, so it might be evil enough to shift the contamination of Absolut.
  2. Serve it in a poisoned cocktail, but only to somebody you really hate. Murder might be a matter of business or convenience, after all, but knowingly serving a bad cocktail is a real crime. And make sure they're dead or now they'll really be upset.
  3. Molotov cocktails do technically qualify. Engaging in an armed insurrection may seem extreme, but remember that your only other option is to actually drink the stuff and tasings just don't hurt that bad.
  4. Movies tell us that you can throw any old spirit over a wound as an antiseptic. Granted, most of those movies also feature the ravening undead and so might not be absolutely A-one on the medical front. Plus, I fancy my chances against a good solid dose of the T-virus which certainly can't taste be worse than the Swedish poison, even counting the taste ofyour own tongue necrotising.

Odd Online Auctions

The fine folk at Norton Today have run another of my articles. Truly, they are masters of taste and discretion, especially the taste of
a) A flake of corn sold for the price of a plasma screen
b) A fire-engine party bar at the price of AWESOME
c) Criminal stamp collecting.

Note: only two one of the above have human-compatible tastes, and the latter is gluey.

You can read the article here:

Luke Online: Week Ending 31/1/2009

This website has a tendency to echo and be colonised by bats despite my writing more than a deaf-mute debating club. To combat this scarcity I'll be linking my offsite here content in regular posts from now on.

Galapagos Goat-Murder for Fun and Conservation
Greenhouse Gas Probing Satellite
Scary Space Stalker
LHC Risk-Rubbish Rubbished
Extraterrestrial Essentials For Life
Bacterial Traitors to Sabotage Sicknesses

What's new in the World at War?

What's new is Tanks. TANKS.


Hell YES this game is fun!

Blackberry Boss to users: "Suck It"
Russian Runaway Mobile Mogul
Brewster's Millions in Phone Form

(Just click outside the stupid "Join Now" box)

Ginger Milk
Chicken Knees
Fried Sandworm

Short form: eating weird stuff is fun. I don't talk eating eyeballs though. That was less fun.

Ten Weird Browser Extensions

There's a browser-bit which actually blocks idiots. But if we all used it the internet would disappear.

Paintballs: Apparently 'Bad' For Eyes

Yes, it's a real medical study. No, I don't know who paid for it, but intend to find out and have them sponsor my ten-year "Drink: How do livers really feel about that stuff?" study.