5 things to do with a cracked iPhone

A piece for some folks in the UK who like mobile phones, and like paying people to talk about mobile phones. I therefore like those people, and oh my goodness look what I just wrote about. You can read the piece here, but be warned that they removed a bunch of relevant links so not all of it makes as much "sense" as it once did.

Millions of dollars and no sense

It's a fact that some people have more money than god, and everybody who believes in that god put together. Their bank statements don't have numbers, just little maps showing how much of the world they could buy. When your morning coffee costs more than the entire upbringing of the person who prepared it you can lose sight of what you're doing, and before you know it you're holding an eggcup that costs more than the World Cup.

Below we look at five of the worlds most stupidly expensive things, what someone with sense could have got instead, and what the gullible hyper-rich should have been given in a world that valued brain more than bills.

1. Mobile Phone
Let's start things off with a stupid, expensive bang. If you or I thought about a super-expensive mobile phone, we might picture live video or daring to view the internet without fear of the ten-dollars-per-page fees. The ultraWealthy don't actually have any more imagination than that, so they take our regular plebeian-crap and roll it in diamonds until it gets expensive. Goldvish stamped 160 diamonds and a wafer of gold across a handset and declared it worth one-point-two million; or as you or I would call it, several years off work.
What you could get: If I'm paying seven figures for a phone it had better come pre-loaded with Angelina Jolies number, Zhang Ziyi's private pictures, the ability to send messages to Mars and a setting that electrocutes people like the one in that Bond film.
What they should get: For anybody out there who thinks that the most easily misplaced piece of modern electronics is the ideal place to store an untraceable fortune in gemstones, might I recommend my house as an ideal place to crash when you've had a few too many champagnes.

2. Tie
A tie is something to be tolerated: certain work environments require a flapping piece of cloth symbolically throttling you as you sell your hours for cash, and that's it. Satya Paul and the Suashish Diamond Group apparently don't know that and used four kilograms of diamonds to make one costing a quarter of a million dollars.
What you could get: Quarter of a million dollars is enough hundred dollar bills to cover over twenty square meters. You could have an entire wardrobe of suits cut from nothing but currency, and it would still be less tacky than this tie.
What they should have got: For a tie that costs more than a ferrari, it's pretty damn ugly. The only way this tie will impress someone is if you take care to make sure they know it has 261 diamonds, and if you're the sort or person who takes care to make sure people know how many diamonds you're wearing then you deserve a punch in the face.

3. Bra and panties
Victorias Secret temporarily lost their minds and armour-plated a perfectly servicable red satin set of underwear with over thirteen-hundred rubies and diamonds, inflating the cost to a wallet-blisteringly-insane fifteen million dollars. While that might sound sexy and extravagant, for me ideal underwear does not inflict over a thousand puncture wounds if I try to actually touch my lover.
What you could get: Let's face facts: $100 will get you a blowjob in any city in the world. Or for the cost of these underthings, a blowjob once an hour, on the hour, every day for the next seventeen years. Exactly how grateful are you expecting your lady to be?
What they should have got: Even if you get it, this present isn't going to end well. "Hi honey, I spent fifteen million dollars on you today! No, I got something that completely defines you as a sex object - isn't it great?"

4. Mobile phone number
Last year the phone number 666 6666 sold for nearly three million dollars - or in the new unit I'll be using to describe utterly ludicrous purchases, three MegaDollars. Besides proving that money is indeed the root of all evil, it also demonstrates that the buyer just doesn't understand their situation. When you can spend that kind of money on a phone number it could involve binary, heiroglyphs and the sacrifice of a live chicken to place a call and people will still do it.
What you could get: You want to make it easy for your people to remember your number. At a bulk rate of six hundred dollars a pop you could hire aircraft to write your number in smoke across the sky, over a hundred cities worldwide, once a week for the next year. Anybody who can forget your number after that you probably don't want calling you.
What they should have got: The money went to charity, so in fairness these guys can have any number they want up to and including my girlfriends.

5. TV
If you predicted that the stupidest most expensive thing would be a TV, then quick, contact us, we need someone to fill the role of 'Biting and Not-at-all obvious Social Commentary' editor. The Yalos Diamond TV is like a soft gold hip replacement - super-expensive and you'll really wish you got a proper one. 160 carats of diamonds, 130 thousands of dollars, and only 40 inches? That's not just costly, it's a tragedy.
What you could get: Paving a regular sized bathroom in 65-inch LCD screens would cost less. Do you want to get a screen that looks like it got lost on the way through a jewellers, or watch life sized sports while hunched over the throne?
What they should get: These people are paying six digits to gold-plate the part of the TV you don't look at. This is Exhibit A in my new class-action lawsuit, "Money should be confiscated from the rich and given to people who know what it's for."

(3 of) the 5 most pointless movie adaptations of TV shows.

Another article up on Cracked.com, and at least 50% of it is by me! This one got rewritten pretty heavily (I have never and will never be able to even mockingly talk about "Bewitched") but at least half of my original humor remains - and the rest of the Cracked-approved content isn't bad either.

PS The joke that's based on saying "titties" twenty times? That wasn't mine.

Stringing up a theory

My not-glowingly-positive or un-sarcastic opinion of superstring theory may be read at the Science Creative Quarterly.

The piece got linked up on Seeds Zeitgest that day.

Great moments in Evil Democracy

Behold, as the Baron (aka me) informs you of Great Moments of Evil Democracy, over at The International Society of Supervillains.