What to do with Absolut

Through no fault of your own, you may end up with a bottle of Absolut. Maybe it was a gift from a now ex-friend. Maybe your future child is a vital resistance leader, but time-traveling robots are making sure your sexy Russian secret agent lover storms out of your flat in disgust instead. Maybe you got really drunk and did something stupid, but weren't lucky enough to just wake up with a bloodstained knife.

The fact is you're now stuck with a liter of the worst vodka in the world. Throwing it out would break Rule Number One of having a liquor cabinet. Actually drinking it would break all the others. I've been stung by an atrocious excess of Absolut as part of my scientific study of alcohology, specifically the chapter on "containers I wouldn't disrespect my bladder by pissing into", and can offer four options for exorcising your drinks shelf.

To use Absolut in a cocktail, you can:
  1. Find some ingredient that absolutely obliterates the taste of anything it's mixed with. To cancel the awfulness of Absolut I can only recommend plutonium, the fluids of rotting durian, or maybe Kryptonite. It's a radioactive poison used by billionaire villains to kill the embodiment of good, so it might be evil enough to shift the contamination of Absolut.
  2. Serve it in a poisoned cocktail, but only to somebody you really hate. Murder might be a matter of business or convenience, after all, but knowingly serving a bad cocktail is a real crime. And make sure they're dead or now they'll really be upset.
  3. Molotov cocktails do technically qualify. Engaging in an armed insurrection may seem extreme, but remember that your only other option is to actually drink the stuff and tasings just don't hurt that bad.
  4. Movies tell us that you can throw any old spirit over a wound as an antiseptic. Granted, most of those movies also feature the ravening undead and so might not be absolutely A-one on the medical front. Plus, I fancy my chances against a good solid dose of the T-virus which certainly can't taste be worse than the Swedish poison, even counting the taste ofyour own tongue necrotising.


Lordy said...

Hmm, I quite like absolut. You must be thinking of hazaar or imperial or even worse, Gorbachev (that bottle I brought back from Germany which managed to survive a year unfinished in Highridge Green of all places).

Still if you want to get rid of it, I'll happily take it from you ;)

Skuld said...

Absolut is good, brother of mine. Not the best, perhaps, but quite luxurious for this vodka loving student. And Club Lemon will cut through even the cheapest vodka, just so you know.