Mocking idiots online is a fair fraction of my job description, which is why I'm delighted to encounter an online hero instead.
The Story of a Young Gentleman and Some Dirty Girls
The Worst Gaming College Ads Ever
Because "You could be a game designer!" is the new "I'll give you some magic beans for that cow."
If you don't want to punch this guy, well done on revealing yourself as a robot, SUCKER!
If you don't want to punch this guy, well done on revealing yourself as a robot, SUCKER!
The Eightiest Movie Of All Time
Of course it features Mr T. Of course there's a community center. Of course it's awesome.
You are being pitied direct from 1984
Cracked continues to kick ass with my Mr T Defines A Decade Feature. READ! PITY! DIGG!
The Top 5 Kickass Car Weapons Conversions
DVD player? GPS? Side-impact airbags? Wimps.
THIS is an optional extra, where the "option" is "destroying anything"
The fine folks over at Carsumer feature my work on the Top 5 Civilian Vehicle Weapons Systems, including a gun that's normally fitted to battleships, a rocket-launching motorbike, and the most shit-kickenest-SUV in the world.
Truly Terrifyingly Tacky Phones
Do you hate the way modern technology is getting ever cheaper and more useful? Are you too dependent on electricity to go full-Luddite, but want to show your contempt for progress? Then you need these phones!
The Twilight Phone, combining modern communications with proof you'll never have anything worth saying! The Toshiba Drape, a "smart"phone without a screen! Or the Privé, one hundred and forty thousand pounds "worth" of gold turned to the destruction of retro-cool!
The linked site has been reorganized, removing this link.
Cannibal Mutant Gravity-Gun Murder: The Hidden
I'm not going to lie: Cannibal Mutant Gravity-Gun Murder is such an awesome phrase I'm going to say it as much as possible. Luckily the acronym, CMG-GM, doesn't really work so I have an excuse to enjoy each syllable every single time. Never mind getting to actually do it in a game!
I'd swear we had a team-mate instead of this pile of blood and corpse-parts
It's an absolutely free game, and you should go over to Lowpings to read about it. Unless you don't like genetically engineered superstrong killing machines. You weirdo.
The Amazingly Bad Beer Breakfast Experiment
Beer for breakfast suggests an awful lot of problems, but those problems shouldn't be the actual beer. I sample the very worst brewing has to offer at ZUG, and actually end up soberer than when I started.
The CDC get to work with more appetizing bottles
Read what happens with Cannabis beer and the idiocy of Budd Light right now!
The Martini Madness Experiment
More mocking the laws of taste, both figuratively and orally, with The Martini Madness Experiment.
I made this then drank it. That is what's known as "Crime and Punishment."
I explain why James Bond is a pansy, endure a Bacontini, weaponize garlic and - purely by accident - find the best drink I've ever had. Enjoy.
The Wild World of Yeast
Fans of fun and beer need to buy The Beer Mag! Non-fans need to start drinking, that's why you're not having any fun.
This amazing adventure through alcohology shows how the sweetest fungus in history travels through time, sniffs for bombs through the horrors of genetic mutation, and is even being sent through space to Mars!
The Counter-Strike Guide To Grammar
You'd think people who spend so much time at a computer would know how to type properly. If you've never been online before.
Read, Reddit and Digg - not just for me, but for the noble cause of "Understanding that words need to mean things without being a prick about it."
UPDATE: I never expected to be promoted by a New York Times bestselling author, which is why the Terrahawks spent most of the 80s telling me to "Expect The Unexpected."
Hells yeah!
The Atari 2600 Overdose Experiment
I can no longer hear music or see more than four objects on the same horizontal row at a time, so where you see an orchestra I now fear a flickering mass of lunatic ghost mimes. And because I spent a full day playing Atari 2600 games, I got off lightly.
If not for me, Digg it for the retrotech!
A whole bucket of pain.
Read the whole thing here, then appreciate how I not only suffered the games and wrote the whole but also made sure my "Please Digg and Reddit this" sentence was unique!
Cinemasochism: Fatal Deviation!
You're either already bracing yourself or don't know that Fatal Deviation is the worst action movie ever made. Wait, make that didn't. This movie is logically impossible because there's no way any group this incompetent should know which end of the camera (singular) is the right one - we should have ended up with a ninety-minute close examination of what fetal alcohol syndrome does to an eyeball, and it would have been a significantly better movie.
Go witness the shocking expose at Cracked! Then Digg it, because guest column-ry could be a big deal! Then Facebook and Reddit while you're at it!
Why The US Should Invade BP
My first guest column up at Cracked, looking at little things like "making the Gulf of Mexico go second in chess" and "more damage to American shores than all the wars in history combined."
I can tell I'm doing well because it got idiotic comments within moments of going online, including one man accusing my article (based entirely on blowing up everything flammable BP owns, which is all of it) of supporting nationalizing industries, and thus being a filthy commie.
History's Top 10 E3 Screwups
It's easy to be impressed by the latest and greatest in screwup technology, from Microsoft's hopeless "Let's copy the Wii!" disaster to - at the other end of the spectrum - Sony's exact same thing. But let's not forget the disasters of the past!
Apart from everything else wrong with this image, she's badly overpriced
Go, enjoy my first feature article on GamesRadar!
Apart from everything else wrong with this image, she's badly overpriced
Vuvuzelas And The Hate Thereof
Football-fan-friends told me of this "vuvuzela", and I cared not, then I heard them in a pub once and went from nought-to-soulhatred in ten seconds flat.
Find out how Vuvuzelas can combat extinction, rid the world of Tila Tequila, and what we should do about them here.
Find out how Vuvuzelas can combat extinction, rid the world of Tila Tequila, and what we should do about them here.
The Top 5 Non-Breast-Based Cosplays
Gaming cosplay articles are where substandard gaming bloggers show how much they wish they worked on Maxim (For Men), or Poorly Constructed Sexual Metaphors By People Who’ve Never Been Involved In The Process (For Virgins).
The 6 Manliest Sports In The World
If you even think of supporting someone in the World Cup, think of these guys:
This, Octopus Wrestling and more over at the 6 Manliest Sports In The World!
Make With The Mario
Anatomical Acrostic All Dugg Up
Another article on the front page of Digg, because that's the kind of thing I do. This time it's one of my daily prank reports for ZUG, where graduating students played sexy word-games with the student newspaper, and Utah residents were apparently genuinely horrified to find that legal adults knew names for the things "Down There."
In Utah, this should have read "The Devil's Workmate" and been followed by three Hail Marys
Also featured in the article: THE WORST WORD IN THE WORLD!
In Utah, this should have read "The Devil's Workmate" and been followed by three Hail Marys
The Top 5 FPS Females
Previously we looked at the 5 Worst Fan Female Conversions, programmed proof that at least ten testicles will never know their intended function. This week we go all bright side and look at some seriously stylish (and non-sex based) software updates for your first person shooters.
That girl's packing more hardware than NASA
That girl's packing more hardware than NASA
Go check it out!
Taking TF2 to Counter-Strike
If that title was just a meaningless string of noise-making syllables, skip this article. Don't worry, we're only talking about two of the greatest games ever made here. For those who like fun things, pop quiz, hotshot: how can Valve update CS when the counter-terrorists already have hats?
You know you need to Reddit and Digg that.
Extinct Arcade Action!
Computer games, misspent youth and Cracked comedy - I love how my entire life trained me for this gig.
Press 1P to Go Read! Are you a bad enough dude to Digg it?
BONUS: The original, unedited image!
Cocktail Can Kiss My Ass
Tom Cruise has been wrong about almost everything, and like most people his poorest decisions were in the Eighties.
You'd get better drink-instruction from a Fundamentalist MADD member - for one thing, you'd learn how desperately people go wrong when they don't drink. I look at just how damaging this movie was, and why I still hate it.
The Sniper Showdown!
I rate five sniper rifles on effectiveness and fun, and according to the modern media that still makes me sound psycho when you know I'm talking about video games!
Full marks for style, zero for "How to actually use a sniper rifle"
Go read and reddit!
Go read and reddit!
The 5 Worst Attempts At Coding Girls Into Games
Thanks to XBox, equality of the sexes, and the simple fact that we've all passed through puberty since Leisure Suit Larry, the stereotype of the tragically single gamer is accurate. And thanks to the efforts of these five electro-virgins, it was all for nothing.
You can call Freud on 911, right?
Enjoy even more terrifying glimpses into the minds of people who are out there, loose, right now - and thank games for keeping them indoors.
Now on Newsstands: Beer Gadgets!
Behold the latest issue of The Beer Mag:
You'll notice that only one of those stories could possibly involve robo-barmen, sobriety-busting backpacks, ballistic beer launchers, and being by me.
You're going to want to buy that, in print or online.
You Made A Phone Out Of What?
Statues. Roman amphitheaters. Bond villain ballrooms. Mobile phones. One of these is not like the others - it's expected to move, and therefore shouldn't be sculpted out of marble.
Add some wood and platinum and you've got some idiotically unsuitable cellphone materials over at Dial-a-phone.
The Internet's Only Entirely Positive Gaming Tattoo Article!
It's all too easy to mock gaming tattoos, in the same way it's easy to mock people who set themselves on fire. Which is why most articles about them end up as funny as a surgeon's apology. But not this one!
I didn't even need to be funny after a photo like that, but I did it anyway. So read and Reddit!
I didn't even need to be funny after a photo like that, but I did it anyway. So read and Reddit!
The Energy Drink Overload Experiment
The last time I endured this much pain for an article was watching Dancing With The Stars. In case you're not aware, companies now sell lobotomies in cans - and I drank them all for ZUG.
A chemical fire waiting to happen. Inside my skull.
Go read, Reddit, and Digg!
A chemical fire waiting to happen. Inside my skull.
Go read, Reddit, and Digg!
The Stupidest Hardcore Gaming Peripherals
Do you like to play games? Do you like to pay ridiculous mark-ups on pieces of plastic because they allegedly have something to do with games?
Pity. These guys were hoping for a 'yes' there.
the unfair advantage over your rivals in lowlight conditions. (That is an actual quote from the advertising)
Behold the perils of cyborg mice, paying to punch yourself in the chest, and the awesome power of the DESTRUCTOR GAMING SURFACE! Read it and Reddit.
Pity. These guys were hoping for a 'yes' there.
the unfair advantage over your rivals in lowlight conditions. (That is an actual quote from the advertising)
Behold the perils of cyborg mice, paying to punch yourself in the chest, and the awesome power of the DESTRUCTOR GAMING SURFACE! Read it and Reddit.
Everything Is Going To Kill Everybody (and you should buy it)
If you're on this site then you'll love this book, and it isn't even by me. My talented friend Robert Brockway has unleashed Everything Is Going To Kill Everybody and it's teaching the rest of the fear-mongering media a lesson.
(The Lesson: fear-mongering is way better when it's stuffed with facts and really funny.)
You may notice I've subliminally primed this photo to bias you towards the book. That's because I've read it and love it. But don't just believe me. Don't just believe Optimus Prime, you filthy Decepticreep. You can go read a sample chapter over at Cracked.
Go get it, at your local bookstore or Amazon (US, Canada and UK).
Blizzard's Top 3 Pranks on World of Warcraft Players
I only wish I got as much money for taking the piss.
Pandaren delivery boys, WoW on the 2600, and drunken collectibles over at ZUG! (Then Reddit.)
WASD or GTFO: Great and God-Awful Gaming T-Shirts
Anti-fashionable fun over at Lowpings, because we can all agree on one thing: You don't want to be this guy
Limoncello Lunacy
Any unaware that we need some sort of bureaucrat cull should check this out: California's cutting funding to education, but still sending agents out to crack down on illegal limoncello.
The Video Game Movie Sucktacular!
Behold, as I endure the latest and anti-greatest in videogame movies at GameSpy! Not Street Fighter, not House of the Dead, not even Bloodrayne. No, I have Street Fighter 2, House of the Dead 2, and even Bloodrayne 2, and many other examples of how Hollywood just can't stop doing terrible things!
Please note this is the first time that "Street Fighter 2" has been a bad thing.
Understand: I watched Uwe Boll so you didn't have to. If you don't have any Medals of Honor lying around, a Digg or Reddit would work just as well.
I've also noticed that my last three articles here have been about videogames, I had to watch Doom drunk, play Atari games and dance on DDR to research them (also drunk), and that my life is excellent.
Modern Games That Would Have Sucked on the Atari 2600
I had a lot of fun with this one (note: none of the fun was while actually playing Atari 2600 games as research.)
America's Credit Card Statement
Economic hilarity over at Cracked - come for the fun and figures, stay for the insane hatemongering comments, Digg it to spite the psychos!
Dance Dance Revelations!
DDR, looking stupid, and making fun of things - I've basically been training for this article my whole life. Go read it!
Allies Win World War II, Round MMMLXV
Cries of joy substituted for shellfire across the servers last night, as millions of Allied troops celebrated victory in World War II for the three thousand and sixty-fifth time that day.
The Reichstag falls (127.7 times an hour)
“It’s been a hard struggle” said Sergeant Martin, who first answered the Call of Duty in 2004 (and again in 2005, 2006, and once more in 2008.) “Those dirty Huns sure are persistent, and seem to keep reappearing five-to-seventeen seconds after you kill them, but by God we pushed forward and stood on the designated map marker for thirty seconds. Thereby resolving the entire nightmarish tangle of debts and international pressures which drowned a quarter of the world in blood.”
Vendor Trash: The Top 10 Worst World of Warcraft Cash-Ins
Would you spend $550 on this?
Would you think anyone capable of even imagining that could use a computer? They can, but for "use" substitute the exact opposite phrase "play World of Warcraft." If you're interested, and want to see women painted green drinking mana potions, go read the full article on GameSpy. And Digg it!
Cat Behavior Explained
Cats explained by comic, Scientific Americat and Catmopolitan over at Cracked!
UPDATE: Doing well! 
You should Digg that too!
You should Digg that too!
Twitter Swamps Idiots (instead of being swamped BY them, for once)
Twitter's torrential outpouring of insanity'n'inaty was finally put to good use when they drowned out a Westboro Baptist Church protest. If you don't know who the WBC, the Jeopardy question is "Which insane scumbags protest at funerals for free publicity?"
Read all about it right here.
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