Global News, Nov 4 2008
Nations around the globe applauded, smiling encouragingly to hide internal sighs of relief, as America failed to embarrass itself at the Special Elections yesterday. World leaders were quick to thump the United States on the shoulder and tell them "You did a really great job!"
"It's great to see them so happy!" said England. "At a time like this it's really important to focus on the positive and make them feel included. We can't make them feel bad, asking why they couldn't have done this last time or why they felt the need to create a global depression or involve us in a hideously intractable war. The important thing is that they did a really super job, this time, and we're all really proud of them."
"You can't judge these states by the same rules as the rest of us," Germany points out, ruffling Florida's hair as the overexcited state ran past. "To the rest of us the choice between the a successor of the man who's destroyed the country and his functionally retarded sidekick or an alternative might seem easy, but they don't see it that way. Choices can be really hard, and Palin reminds them of their friends mom who gives them jelly sometimes."
Afterwards the states were invited to a pizza party at which every single one received some form of trophy. Even states which voted for McCain were given an award for trying and special "I took part!" stickers. There was also ice cream for everyone except California, who embarrassed all present by dropping a huge human rights violation all over the public floor. The state is known to get very sulky sometimes, and will probably be let keep Proposition 8 for a couple of years before mature adults take it away again.
Another Good Site
If you like me, and you should, you may wish to check out I Fight Robots. He's quite a spiffing fellow, don't you know, sharing my love for humor and science. He's a fellow Cracked comedian and has an honest-to-god book deal, where he is paid real money to write about science blowing up the world.
I have at no time considered murdering him and stealing his contracts. Not once.
I have at no time considered murdering him and stealing his contracts. Not once.
Current Status
Expect to see more action on this page from now on, is I enhance it from "hub for all my other articles" to including more content in its own right. For those keeping track, other ongoing Luke-loveliness can be found at:
Cracked comedy
LowPings gaming (not listed by author, but most of the recent stuff is me)
Tech Cult webbery
Dial-a-Phone phonery
Food Connect delicious drinks and dining
Cracked comedy
LowPings gaming (not listed by author, but most of the recent stuff is me)
Tech Cult webbery
Dial-a-Phone phonery
Food Connect delicious drinks and dining
Shoe Silliness
Women buying shoes is as tired a cliche as old people being unable to understand things, and just as true. But it turns out the X chromosome is already buying as many shoes as possible, so the industry is finding new strategies to harness the Y. Stupid, ugly strategies.
Mac Dre Furls
Rappers put a lot of effort into gaining attention. Wannabe rap-failures put in even more, and dumbass white kids put in levels of effort that make Atlas look like a slacker. Their dedication to retardation has made the Mac Dre Furls possible.
These will certainly make sure that all eyes are on you when you enter a room. They'll also cause all noses to be wrinkled and all mouths twisted like there's a bad smell because they are without doubt the most hideous sneakers created outside of Ni'Keh, the shoe sweatshop level of hell. Famous names have always been a moneyspinner (especially once they're dead) but here the makers forget that you should only be walking on somebody's face if you don't like them.
The best thing I can say about these shoes is that they are limited edition; with only three thousand pairs out there the chances of having this tastelessness inflicted on your vision are very low. And when you instinctively destroy the wearer and all their possessions, the total amount of this abomination in the world will be permanently reduced by 0.03%. The average IQ will be raised as well.
Adidas 1.1
Shoe makers now claim that more technology and engineering design go into your sneakers than the space shuttle. Adidas go one step further: computers didn't just go into the design of the Adidas_1 1.1; they've gone into the shoe itself. A built in microprocessor driven sensor adjusts the variable cushioning level in the shoe, adapting itself to your running style. By the way, if you wear these your running style is "retarded and overpriced."
Adidas correctly claims that no two runners are the same - what they don't point out is that only the very top 0.01% of athletes would truly benefit from this, even if it works. There's a very simple test for whether you need an Adidas 1 1.1: when you run, does the world in front of you turn blue, and behind you red? Do you hear a "du-du-du-du" sound effect? Are there seven extremely highly trained individuals running with you?
The fact is that nobody should buy these for themselves - if you need them, your trainer has already got them. If you don't have a trainer and a special shirt with your country's flag on it you don't need microchip controlled shoes. Or rather you do, but those microchips should be programmed to electrocute your feet if it detects you walking into a sneaker store to spend a hundred and twenty dollars on pseudo-science crap.
Mac Dre Furls
Rappers put a lot of effort into gaining attention. Wannabe rap-failures put in even more, and dumbass white kids put in levels of effort that make Atlas look like a slacker. Their dedication to retardation has made the Mac Dre Furls possible.
These will certainly make sure that all eyes are on you when you enter a room. They'll also cause all noses to be wrinkled and all mouths twisted like there's a bad smell because they are without doubt the most hideous sneakers created outside of Ni'Keh, the shoe sweatshop level of hell. Famous names have always been a moneyspinner (especially once they're dead) but here the makers forget that you should only be walking on somebody's face if you don't like them.
The best thing I can say about these shoes is that they are limited edition; with only three thousand pairs out there the chances of having this tastelessness inflicted on your vision are very low. And when you instinctively destroy the wearer and all their possessions, the total amount of this abomination in the world will be permanently reduced by 0.03%. The average IQ will be raised as well.
Adidas 1.1
Shoe makers now claim that more technology and engineering design go into your sneakers than the space shuttle. Adidas go one step further: computers didn't just go into the design of the Adidas_1 1.1; they've gone into the shoe itself. A built in microprocessor driven sensor adjusts the variable cushioning level in the shoe, adapting itself to your running style. By the way, if you wear these your running style is "retarded and overpriced."
Adidas correctly claims that no two runners are the same - what they don't point out is that only the very top 0.01% of athletes would truly benefit from this, even if it works. There's a very simple test for whether you need an Adidas 1 1.1: when you run, does the world in front of you turn blue, and behind you red? Do you hear a "du-du-du-du" sound effect? Are there seven extremely highly trained individuals running with you?The fact is that nobody should buy these for themselves - if you need them, your trainer has already got them. If you don't have a trainer and a special shirt with your country's flag on it you don't need microchip controlled shoes. Or rather you do, but those microchips should be programmed to electrocute your feet if it detects you walking into a sneaker store to spend a hundred and twenty dollars on pseudo-science crap.
Cracked Crazy Collections!
Behold, insane collections of such scope and subject as to melt your face right off.UPDATE: This one has got all Farked up. Nice!
ULTRA-UPDATE: We're Diggin' a thousand-plus here, double-nice!
Norton Technovation
Behold, as the Dominion of Luke expands to ever more and higher profile sites! My piece on "Technovation" for Norton can be found here, presuming you're prepared to scroll halfway down the page.
Yes, this is Norton the anti-virus people. Yes, this is a bigger gig than any I've had before. Yes, I am very excited and well paid.
Yes, this is Norton the anti-virus people. Yes, this is a bigger gig than any I've had before. Yes, I am very excited and well paid.
Rapidly Growing Oil Prices Threaten To Engulf The Planet
Recent investor panic over the continuing rise in oil prices was replaced by global, better-founded panic with the news that if they continue to grow at their current rate oil prices will cover three-quarters of the Earth by 2010.
Petrochemical researcher Professor Huygen spoke at the White House "People are so concerned over the short term effects of oil prices - having to walk, discovering SUVs are perhaps less than optimal for the city, being poor - they can't see the big picture: at their current rate of expansion, oil prices will dominate the eastern seaboard within five months."
American media has been an early victim of this unchecked growth - increasing sections of the Wall Street Journal and financial supplements nationwide have been covered in oil prices for the last few months. The President was set to order recall of armed forces to combat the expanding oil prices when Professor Huygen tried to explain why that wouldn't work. Talks stalled for several hours at this point, until Huygen asked "What do tanks drink when they get thirsty?"
At this point the President is reported to have said "Oh, I get it."
Plans for new eco-friendly military vehicles are being rushed through production. Initial testing of solar powered fighter jets has revealed some flaws in the fundamental concept, though pedal-powered troop transports are now found to get faster the more people they carry. The President is also urging congress to allow drilling off the coast, in Alaska, and basically anywhere else an oil derrick will fit in order to head off the skyrocketing prices.
"The way I see it, this problem is only happening because we've based our entire economy on a single finite resource. So all we have to do is find some more of that finite resource, and this will never ever happen again."
Petrochemical researcher Professor Huygen spoke at the White House "People are so concerned over the short term effects of oil prices - having to walk, discovering SUVs are perhaps less than optimal for the city, being poor - they can't see the big picture: at their current rate of expansion, oil prices will dominate the eastern seaboard within five months."
American media has been an early victim of this unchecked growth - increasing sections of the Wall Street Journal and financial supplements nationwide have been covered in oil prices for the last few months. The President was set to order recall of armed forces to combat the expanding oil prices when Professor Huygen tried to explain why that wouldn't work. Talks stalled for several hours at this point, until Huygen asked "What do tanks drink when they get thirsty?"
At this point the President is reported to have said "Oh, I get it."
Plans for new eco-friendly military vehicles are being rushed through production. Initial testing of solar powered fighter jets has revealed some flaws in the fundamental concept, though pedal-powered troop transports are now found to get faster the more people they carry. The President is also urging congress to allow drilling off the coast, in Alaska, and basically anywhere else an oil derrick will fit in order to head off the skyrocketing prices.
"The way I see it, this problem is only happening because we've based our entire economy on a single finite resource. So all we have to do is find some more of that finite resource, and this will never ever happen again."
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