New Site Online

Move along folks, plenty to see here but even more (and better organized) over on my new site.

See you there!

The Story of a Young Gentleman and Some Dirty Girls

Mocking idiots online is a fair fraction of my job description, which is why I'm delighted to encounter an online hero instead.

Actors are paid millions to convey this level of emotion
He wasn't smart, and he wasn't thinking, and there is in fact a fair chance someone else had to turn the computer on for him. But he's the greatest gentleman I've ever encountered on YouTube. Read the story to find the best clash between a young fool and a big fat hidden asshole since Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt.

The Worst Gaming College Ads Ever

Because "You could be a game designer!" is the new "I'll give you some magic beans for that cow."

If you don't want to punch this guy, well done on revealing yourself as a robot, SUCKER!

Read the article to find out how even four years of sitting around drinking can be turned into a waste of time. I think these guys were less employable as graduates.

The Eightiest Movie Of All Time

Of course it features Mr T. Of course there's a community center. Of course it's awesome.

You are being pitied direct from 1984
Cracked continues to kick ass with my Mr T Defines A Decade Feature. READ! PITY! DIGG!

The Top 5 Kickass Car Weapons Conversions

DVD player? GPS? Side-impact airbags? Wimps.


THIS is an optional extra, where the "option" is "destroying anything"
The fine folks over at Carsumer feature my work on the Top 5 Civilian Vehicle Weapons Systems, including a gun that's normally fitted to battleships, a rocket-launching motorbike, and the most shit-kickenest-SUV in the world.

Truly Terrifyingly Tacky Phones

Do you hate the way modern technology is getting ever cheaper and more useful? Are you too dependent on electricity to go full-Luddite, but want to show your contempt for progress? Then you need these phones!

The Twilight Phone, combining modern communications with proof you'll never have anything worth saying! The Toshiba Drape, a "smart"phone without a screen! Or the Privé, one hundred and forty thousand pounds "worth" of gold turned to the destruction of retro-cool!
The linked site has been reorganized, removing this link.

Cannibal Mutant Gravity-Gun Murder: The Hidden

I'm not going to lie: Cannibal Mutant Gravity-Gun Murder is such an awesome phrase I'm going to say it as much as possible. Luckily the acronym, CMG-GM, doesn't really work so I have an excuse to enjoy each syllable every single time. Never mind getting to actually do it in a game!

I'd swear we had a team-mate instead of this pile of blood and corpse-parts
It's an absolutely free game, and you should go over to Lowpings to read about it. Unless you don't like genetically engineered superstrong killing machines. You weirdo.

The Amazingly Bad Beer Breakfast Experiment

Beer for breakfast suggests an awful lot of problems, but those problems shouldn't be the actual beer. I sample the very worst brewing has to offer at ZUG, and actually end up soberer than when I started.

The CDC get to work with more appetizing bottles
Read what happens with Cannabis beer and the idiocy of Budd Light right now!

The Martini Madness Experiment

More mocking the laws of taste, both figuratively and orally, with The Martini Madness Experiment.

I made this then drank it. That is what's known as "Crime and Punishment."
I explain why James Bond is a pansy, endure a Bacontini, weaponize garlic and - purely by accident - find the best drink I've ever had. Enjoy.

The Wild World of Yeast

Fans of fun and beer need to buy The Beer Mag! Non-fans need to start drinking, that's why you're not having any fun.

This amazing adventure through alcohology shows how the sweetest fungus in history travels through time, sniffs for bombs through the horrors of genetic mutation, and is even being sent through space to Mars!

The Counter-Strike Guide To Grammar

You'd think people who spend so much time at a computer would know how to type properly. If you've never been online before.

Read, Reddit and Digg - not just for me, but for the noble cause of "Understanding that words need to mean things without being a prick about it."
UPDATE: I never expected to be promoted by a New York Times bestselling author, which is why the Terrahawks spent most of the 80s telling me to "Expect The Unexpected."


Hells yeah!

The Atari 2600 Overdose Experiment

I can no longer hear music or see more than four objects on the same horizontal row at a time, so where you see an orchestra I now fear a flickering mass of lunatic ghost mimes. And because I spent a full day playing Atari 2600 games, I got off lightly.

A whole bucket of pain.

Read the whole thing here, then appreciate how I not only suffered the games and wrote the whole but also made sure my "Please Digg and Reddit this" sentence was unique!

If not for me, Digg it for the retrotech!

Cinemasochism: Fatal Deviation!

You're either already bracing yourself or don't know that Fatal Deviation is the worst action movie ever made. Wait, make that didn't. This movie is logically impossible because there's no way any group this incompetent should know which end of the camera (singular) is the right one - we should have ended up with a ninety-minute close examination of what fetal alcohol syndrome does to an eyeball, and it would have been a significantly better movie.

Go witness the shocking expose at Cracked! Then Digg it, because guest column-ry could be a big deal! Then Facebook and Reddit while you're at it!

Why The US Should Invade BP

My first guest column up at Cracked, looking at little things like "making the Gulf of Mexico go second in chess" and "more damage to American shores than all the wars in history combined."

I can tell I'm doing well because it got idiotic comments within moments of going online, including one man accusing my article (based entirely on blowing up everything flammable BP owns, which is all of it) of supporting nationalizing industries, and thus being a filthy commie.

You'll want to read it. And Digg it. And everything else - the better this does, the more I get to do!

History's Top 10 E3 Screwups

It's easy to be impressed by the latest and greatest in screwup technology, from Microsoft's hopeless "Let's copy the Wii!" disaster to - at the other end of the spectrum - Sony's exact same thing. But let's not forget the disasters of the past!


Apart from everything else wrong with this image, she's badly overpriced

Go, enjoy my first feature article on GamesRadar!

Vuvuzelas And The Hate Thereof

Football-fan-friends told me of this "vuvuzela", and I cared not, then I heard them in a pub once and went from nought-to-soulhatred in ten seconds flat.

Find out how Vuvuzelas can combat extinction, rid the world of Tila Tequila, and what we should do about them here.

The Top 5 Non-Breast-Based Cosplays

Gaming cosplay articles are where substandard gaming bloggers show how much they wish they worked on Maxim (For Men), or Poorly Constructed Sexual Metaphors By People Who’ve Never Been Involved In The Process (For Virgins).

That isn't the case here.

The 6 Manliest Sports In The World

If you even think of supporting someone in the World Cup, think of these guys:

They're trying to rip each other's ears off, and using their own to do it. For a crowd. Feel free to claim any other sportsman deserves respect if you can, because you'll know they're really a pansy.

This, Octopus Wrestling and more over at the 6 Manliest Sports In The World!

Make With The Mario

I'm not going to lie to you - if that image doesn't make you want to read the article, you and me ain't got nothin' to talk about. Such is my contempt for your opinion I'll even use a double negative while talking to you.
Go read and Digg it you sexy wonderful person you!

Anatomical Acrostic All Dugg Up

Another article on the front page of Digg, because that's the kind of thing I do. This time it's one of my daily prank reports for ZUG, where graduating students played sexy word-games with the student newspaper, and Utah residents were apparently genuinely horrified to find that legal adults knew names for the things "Down There."


In Utah, this should have read "The Devil's Workmate" and been followed by three Hail Marys
Also featured in the article: THE WORST WORD IN THE WORLD!