Disast-vertising: Race To Witch Mountain

A good movie poster tells you everything you need to know about the movie without giving anything critical away. On that basis, allow me to present the greatest movie poster of all time:



This tells me everything I need to know (that I am never, ever going to see this) without giving up single scrap of coherent plot. In fact, it's such a nonsensical smashing together of pieces I know less about the universe than before I saw it, and the word "plot" itself has been weakened. Four more posters like this and the dictionaries will read "plot: (n), vague excuse for explosions and giving celebrities money."

We've got a speeding car, mountain, aliens, helicopters, poster children for the Aryan People's Front, and The Rock. In fact, the only thing that isn't on that poster is a goddamn witch. I'm picturing four writers, fired from Scary Movie for eating the crayons instead of scribbling dick jokes with them, getting together for a "Vodka Shots and Shitty Scripts" party. One guy throws up a Smirnoff/Crayola cocktail all over the table, and rather than wasting a whole five minutes recreating what they lost, they just pick out the pages with the least puke and make a movie.

They also misprinted "The Rock" as "Dwayne Johnson", a worrying sign that he's thinking of himself as an ar-teeste instead of self-propelled prop. I'm sorry, "The", but you don't get into movies based on an ability to bodyslam people paid to let you do so and then declare you're an actor. That's like jumping through the window of a stockholders meeting, brushing glass off your t-shirt, and telling security that you're CEO.

Conclusion: I was accidentally exposed to the trailer while looking for the above image, and it achieves the impossible. It's actually stupider. Unless you're being hunted by a rogue future-bot sent back in time to kill anyone with your IQ or above, you have no reason to endure this movie.

2 comments:

Dublin beekeeper said...

Do you ever wonder what/who actually writes this stuff? Do they get a good script and then make it really stupid or is it just some random collection of "cool stuff" that is randomly thrown together.

"whats cool?"
"car chases, witches, aliens and helicopters. But theres no way we could combine them into an actual story"
"Stop Drilling youve struck oil"

deadlytoque said...

Beekeeper: you and I write this garbage, or else we will if we want to write screenplays or teleplays professionally.

I've only worked on one "professional" teleplay, and by the time I was finished taking "creative criticism" from the exec producer/creator, I had pretty much decided I would never work on another.