How to fix politics

We stick politicians in metal coffins. No, it's not what you think.

Democracy is the least worst system of government that's been tried, but just because a kick in the testicles is better than a knife in the eye doesn't mean you shouldn't twist and avoid the blow. A horrible combination of apathy and inevitability (like being hungover in front of daytime TV) means that while all politicians are now assumed to be lying sacks of hate, people aren't rioting in the streets demanding revolution but instead try to pick the 'best' of a bad bunch (and these days it's like finding the best meal in the skip behind a McDonalds). But I've found the solution: we stick the politicians in metal coffins.


The future face of politics.

Think 'Captain Pike' if you know Star Trek, or 'immobilising metal box in which they can only communicate by flashing a light' if you're good at contact sports. Political hopefuls will be held silent and immobile during all election periods, fed and relieved by tubes until all the ballots are tallied. This prevents any and all lying, baby-kissing, muck-raking or posturing. Tax cuts cannot be promised from inside three inches of solid steel; nay, not even the loudest pledge to magically create jobs shall escape. How will we find out what they say about the important issues of the election? We already know: whatever we want them to say. No matter their fine ideals when entering politics any one of them would surf to power on a promise of free blowjobs if they thought it had a chance of working (a tactic some protesters have highlighted).

Words are cheap. Words are free. If you compare election promises of the past to what actually happened, these words end up costing you money so we're safer saving our time. Instead of judging their ability to treat people like sheep we judge them on their past work, because unless you have a boatload of money or used to chase Sarah Connor (or both) you can't just walk in off the street and say "I'd like to be in charge of the country please, oh thank you very much". Not even if you wear a short skirt. There exists a vast web of assistantships, departments, administrations and committees for these political larva to burrow through and the higher up you go the more roots these metaphor-mixing politicians have. So shut them up, stick 'em in a tin, and whoever did the best job in their old position wins. Anybody who didn't do anything in a post but come out richer is disqualified. And left in the tin.

You'll notice this system doesn't allow for charisma or stage presence. If I want stage presence I'll go to a comedy show. It cares not whether the ministers screw around in their spare time, because unless the screwing is spectacularly forceful it doesn't affect their ability to combat inflation. Most importantly it isn't affected by how much money the hopefuls have, because there's an inverse relationship between how much cash someone gets from private firms and how much they're likely to care about the public sector.

Trust me, this system will work. In the words of Captain Pike himself:

"Beep."

NXNE Music Festival

I talk about rocking out over at CampusX. Direct links to reviews for Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Conclusion: Fun Factor Five.

5 Recent Scientific Advances (And How They'll Destroy Us All)

I have braved the fields of SCIENCE to warn you of hilarious perils - read all about it over at CRACKED

Review - Thai Bangkok restaurant

412 Spadina Avenue

Should you find yourself here, your best bet is to try eating those plants in the window.

The Thai Bangkok is a lot more decorated than the usual chinatown quick-lunch joints, as it actually has decorations. Wall paneling, paintings and enough (carved) elephants to keep Tony Jaa happy for a month. Then you notice the dirty spots and peeling paint around the edges but for a moment you had the impression you were somewhere nice for your six dollar lunch: enjoy that impression because it's all your money is buying you.

Despite the themed trimmings this eatery does exceptionally poorly on the nationality test (fraction of customers from the same culture as the food), with a total of absolutely zero Thai present (counting the fact that even the visible staff weren't Thai, the place earns negative points). It was pretty easy to check the home country of the eaters too - for most of the meal I was the only one there and I'm Irish. At lunchtime in a spadina/college restaurant that's just tragic.

Hungry and hurried I ordered lunch special #1 (hard to get any faster than that) and it's a damn good thing I did because lunch special #1, at lunchtime, took twenty minutes to arrive. If I'd ordered anything else I might still be there. The upside was that the extra time allowed me to fully appreciate the highly excitable menu:


That's three exclamation marks! This is the most excited menu of all time!


Whoever wrote this urgently needs to be sedated. Anyone who finds the concept of rice coming with Thai food exciting might explode if they see something truly astonishing, like a window or a barking dog.

I honestly cannot review the spring roll because I inhaled it, having become so hungry my body was trying to photosynthesize or absorb the tablecloth through osmosis. This lessened my crippling need for food enough to appreciate the hot and sour soup, much to my regret. When the most basic starter possible for any chinatown restaurant takes twenty minutes to prepare you expect something special. Hand polished tofu with beansprouts plucked by specially trained experts, carefully ladled into a platinum bowl and mixed precisely by multimillion dollar perfectionist robots. You do not expect a bag of starch dumped in hot water by the chef during a break in Judge Judy. The spicy beef was an an exemplar in lazy food, a paragon of a spicy meal made wrongly: tough lumps of meat with chunks of flavourless plastic masquerading as peppers glued together by a thick and utterly effortless sauce. I don't mean effortless as in "the masterful chef effortlessly created a wonderful taste", I mean "the person who happens to work in the kitchen expended absolutely no effort in making this". Turning the plate over I expected to find "Screw you, stupid foreigner, you don't know real food anyway" written on the bottom. Of course I didn't - they had no need to waste ink when they'd clearly expressed that message in the food.

Every time I see this place it's deserted. Keep it that way.

The Invisible Woman

The Science of the Invisible Woman, posted by me to CRAM Science.

I still think the Fantastic Four could have been better interpreted as a harrowing psychological drama about four mentally disturbed patients who wrongly believe they have incredible powers. For example, Jessica Alba only thinks she is invisible when taking off her clothes.

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Protest Warriors

People are now protesting other protests. I guess we've run out of hobbies.

The fine folks over at Cracked.com recently highlighted Protest Warrior - a group of right-wingers who turn up to counter-protest liberal demonstration. They also have access to a minimalist artistic genius, with a logo that has no blonde hair at all and still manages to be the most Aryan thing I've ever seen.


"Look, I'm not saying the Jews had it coming or anything but..."

You've got to respect a group dedicated to bringing the glory and intellectualism of internet forum arguments into the real world, hunting down people they disagree with and shouting "No it isn't!" Aside from simply existing, there are a few more mistakes they've made:

1. They're not helping the conservative cause.

It turns out that there isn't a binary "Right/wrong" switch in every argument. Saying any particular thing is correct or incorrect simply because of which political category you jam it into is like judging medicine based on what colour it is - wonderfully simple, saves a lot of thought, and will fuck you up right quick. Having these guys on your side is like having Ann Coulter or a diarrhetic chimpanzee; they're eager to help, they've got lots to contribute, and your best bet is to lock them in a cupboard and hope no-one hears them. This playground contrarianism is not helping those conservatives who have sensible things to say.

2. Authority figures do not like them.

Some of their "after action reports" (the "action" normally consists of being ignored or shouted at) talk of sharing nods and understanding with the police and security guards present, not realising that those people hate them. Think about it: You're a peace officer assigned to a protest. Would you prefer

a) A group of liberal hippy protestors moving in an orderly fashion. Note that the average hippy is about as likely to start photosynthesizing as he is to start a fight.
b) Two groups, violently opposed to each other, with you in the middle. The second group is composed of people like this.

Thanks a lot, Protest Warrior, you've turned a milk run into a potential riot. Come over here, I'll show you how a taser works.

3. Liberal protests aren't a threat.

Setting up counter-liberal protests is like becoming a vigilante struggling against late library returns - you're not solving a real threat. In February 2003 over six million people protested the invasion of Iraq around the world, in a record-breakingly huge demonstration in over 60 countries including several national capitals. You may have noticed that the war failed to not happen, and the average "Aha, fuck you" implications of the political announcements has gone up since then. That day of protest conclusively proved that such demonstrations unfortunately achieve nothing; and if a globally co-ordinated effort by a group with the same population as Hong Kong doesn't affect things, a group of student liberals with placards does not need a specially trained counter-force.

PS That said, I do love their anti-communism sign, though the pistol-r is completely unnecessary. I suspect placing guns in any and all unnecessary locations is not incompatible with the average Protest Warrior.