Don't Touch My No-No Square

More evidence that abstinence education is an attempt to disprove evolution by forcing it to run backwards: a Mississippi summit on sex education's main strategy to prevent hot teenage boning was a jingle. A JINGLE. Five thousand teens were lined up and made to rap “Stop, don’t touch me there! You know this is my no-no square!” I want you to know that I copy and pasted that phrase because my brain threatened seizure if I actually typed it.

Jingles are for selling detergent, not fighting the base urges wired into humanity, and I don't know if you've noticed but 90% of all advertising is based on how much we want to fuck each other. Using ads to fight sex is like using Carlos Mencia to combat idiocy. If you're wondering if this rap came complete with stupid acting out of the lyrics, hell yes it did! Teens danced around drawing an invisible square box around their crotches with their fingers, singing a rap written by someone so white and old they're probably mummified and only dimly remember sex as "something bad like wetting the bed but there need to be two of you."

When you won't even refer to genitals without infant talk like "no-no square," you may be ill-equipped in a battle against hot throbbing sex. Those teens aren't prancing along because you've overridden the fundamental drive of all organisms: they're obeying because it genuinely isn't their problem yet. When the hormones hit their brain a battering ram of XL nuclear warheads your precious little jingle'll work like a toilet-roll umbrella: those kids will be soaking and covered in stringy white goo. You are sending them into a battle against their own bodies unarmed, and it's only even a battle because you told them so.

6 comments:

Dublin beekeeper said...

Have you heard the tubes song "don't touch me there"?

Anonymous said...

Hey, touch me there, it's my yeah-yeah square...

Lordy said...

A no-no ... square? Have these people ever studied even basic biology, or in fact looked in a mirror?

Oh right ...

Anonymous said...

squares r a bad shape. Triangle would be much more accurate and either way, no no squares go 2 shit when ur thinking with ur penis and testosterone instead of ur brain

Anonymous said...

yes touch me there

tabatha h. said...

Seriously? "No-No Square"? Do these people realize that even TV commercials can get the shape right: TRIANGLE. Were they just trying to rhyme? If they really wanted to get the point across, they could have rhymed 'triangle' (and had the correct shape) with 'dangle'. "Stop. Don't touch me with your dangle. This is my no-no triangle." God, what's happened to Mississippi???