The Martini Madness Experiment

More mocking the laws of taste, both figuratively and orally, with The Martini Madness Experiment.

I made this then drank it. That is what's known as "Crime and Punishment."
I explain why James Bond is a pansy, endure a Bacontini, weaponize garlic and - purely by accident - find the best drink I've ever had. Enjoy.

The Wild World of Yeast

Fans of fun and beer need to buy The Beer Mag! Non-fans need to start drinking, that's why you're not having any fun.

This amazing adventure through alcohology shows how the sweetest fungus in history travels through time, sniffs for bombs through the horrors of genetic mutation, and is even being sent through space to Mars!

Alcohology: A Message For Alberta Pure

Dear Alberta Pure,
You can either claim to be "Triple Distilled For the Ultimate Purity", or you can sell 1.75 litre plastic bottles of vodka at hobo rates, but you really have to make up your mind.

And could you pass on a message to your target market? "Claiming you'll spend it on food is a good strategy, and standing outside the liquor store saves time, but you have to choose one or the other."

Thanks,

Luke

What to do with Absolut

Through no fault of your own, you may end up with a bottle of Absolut. Maybe it was a gift from a now ex-friend. Maybe your future child is a vital resistance leader, but time-traveling robots are making sure your sexy Russian secret agent lover storms out of your flat in disgust instead. Maybe you got really drunk and did something stupid, but weren't lucky enough to just wake up with a bloodstained knife.

The fact is you're now stuck with a liter of the worst vodka in the world. Throwing it out would break Rule Number One of having a liquor cabinet. Actually drinking it would break all the others. I've been stung by an atrocious excess of Absolut as part of my scientific study of alcohology, specifically the chapter on "containers I wouldn't disrespect my bladder by pissing into", and can offer four options for exorcising your drinks shelf.

To use Absolut in a cocktail, you can:

1. Find some ingredient that absolutely obliterates the taste of anything it's mixed with. To cancel the awfulness of Absolut I can only recommend plutonium, the fluids of rotting durian, or maybe Kryptonite. It's a radioactive poison used by billionaire villains to kill the embodiment of good, so it might be evil enough to shift the contamination of Absolut.
2. Serve it in a poisoned cocktail, but only to somebody you really hate. Murder might be a matter of business or convenience, after all, but knowingly serving a bad cocktail is a real crime. And make sure they're dead or now they'll really be upset.
3. Molotov cocktails do technically qualify. Engaging in an armed insurrection may seem extreme, but remember that your only other option is to actually drink the stuff and tasings just don't hurt that bad.
4. Movies tell us that you can throw any old spirit over a wound as an antiseptic. Granted, most of those movies also feature the ravening undead and so might not be absolutely A-one on the medical front. Plus, I fancy my chances against a good solid dose of the T-virus which certainly can't taste be worse than the Swedish poison, even counting the taste ofyour own tongue necrotising.

Beer review - Bell's Expedition Stout

The best stout I've had.
10.5 % ABV, Michigan USA, CAD$11.89 / 355 ml


The compass on the bottle usefully indicates which way is up after a few.

Bell’s Expedition Stout gives the lie to the claim that all American beer is tap-water that’s been lightly pissed in. Its rich flavour and strong ways show that Bud light and Labatts only exist due to the flaws in American democracy - they know how to make the good things, but most people are content with cheap swill (the McBeer effect).

This wonderful stout pours like the T1000, liquid metal glistening and thick. You almost expect to find dinosaur skeletons preserved in the rich, tarry texture of a full glass. When you drink it it doesn’t just demand respect – it smashes a chair of flavour over your tongue and stamps it’s boot on your throat (from the inside) with a powerful, long-lasting aftertaste. One that says “You’re a real beer drinking man now, my son”.

It isn’t for everyone. If you enjoy stout then you must make sure this is the next Expedition you embark on; but if you’ve ever found any stout too strong then give it a miss. The same applies to anyone sick, infirm, pregnant, unable to deal with rich deep flavours or simply not concentrating 100% - back off until you’re ready to handle this.