Odd Online Auctions

The fine folk at Norton Today have run another of my articles. Truly, they are masters of taste and discretion, especially the taste of
a) A flake of corn sold for the price of a plasma screen
b) A fire-engine party bar at the price of AWESOME
c) Criminal stamp collecting.

Note: only two one of the above have human-compatible tastes, and the latter is gluey.

You can read the article here:

Ogham Blogging

Ogham is an ancient Irish system of writing. As we are a deeply lyrical culture with a rich history, we used the most advanced writing technology available at the time: rocks. Specifically, one rock carves notches in the side of another, larger rock. There may have been metal, but when your national sports are "Being killed by Vikings" and "Trying to grow enough food to not starve before the vikings arrive", anyone using metal for anything but swords, or swords-that-can-also-dig, gets removed from the gene pool pretty quickly.


An ancient gaelic notepad

Ogham should be the required input language for all blogs. The computer can translate it into text for display online, but every word you write has to be carved into a chunk of stone using only a shard of granite. When you have to erode rock to write, you think about what you're writing. You have something you really, truly want to say. The phrase "So, I can't think of anything to write about" has never been written in ogham. There are no monuments, inscribed by sweat and labour, bearing the message "I am SO BORED right now" through the ages. It'll be an awesome cure for the swamp of blogs so full of such mind bogglingly tedious minutiae that even Proust would scream "Fuck off! I don't care!".


The lead singer of Jamiroquai doesn't exist in this language, if that's any help

Within a few months, there will be no more ten thousand words whining rants, ever again. A week of chiseling "life is pain" every night and even the most sunlight deficient teen whiner will be able to tear the limbs from any would-be wedgie-giver. He'll look like a quarterback crossed with Adonis, and you'd be amazed at how much he doesn't hate the "popular girls" clique when they're prepared to touch him. Baby.

From n00b to nerd

Another article up and running over at Cracked, and I've taken another step towards being a real-life writer: I've been edited.

Most of it is pretty painless, cutting down and sharpening sentences (and apparently I hate American teenagers more than just regular teenagers now), but they also cut my favourite gag! Yes, I am not only being published, I'm writing material TOO HOT TO PRINT. Material I will now print anyway, because that's the way I roll:

"Babies were invented by God to give sex a downside. This is why christians oppose both birth control and relationships which lead to fabulous outfits instead of reproduction. I don't usually go around calling omnipotent beings pussies, Christian God, but any Celestial Scheme that can be thwarted with a thin sheet of rubber sucks ass. Nobody foiled Zeus with a little latex balloon unless they wanted a lightning-blasted crater where their genitals used to be."

Cracked seems to draw the line at calling God a wimp. PC, or merely good business sense?

Edit: The article has also been Fark'd (6th article down). Go Team Internet!

5 Most Annoying Banner Ads

The Top 5 Annoying Banner Ads, identified by me for you over at Cracked.

EDIT: This article linked (via Jointblog) over at FARK, where it did very well. Apparently writing for Jointblog is very easy - you just find someone else's work, cut it to fragments, jam in some wikipedia'd numbers and you're done!

Internet Safety Tips

My Internet Safety Tips, for your delectation and delight over at Cracked.

EDIT: This piece got Digg'd into the stratosphere, mainly because it rocks.