Ah, the mobile phone. Not just for idiots in the cinema anymore, with people declaring "My McNuggets are an emergency", "This text message will surely kill us all!", and "What if we sold the stupidest phones in the world?"
Yes, you do have to click to read the originals. BONUSES FOR PEOPLE WHO CLICK: The Cell-Mate facephone, and a hot Japanese girl trying to sell you a miniature air-raid siren!
Drinking Dispatches
Four new FoodConnects in the last fortnight, aka "I drank and got paid for it", aka2 "I was a saint in a past life, thanks miserable-living mug because this is awesome."
You can actually see me learning how to photograph drinks over the last three. One of the few drinking skills left to master, mastered!
You can actually see me learning how to photograph drinks over the last three. One of the few drinking skills left to master, mastered!
Disast-vertising: Race To Witch Mountain
A good movie poster tells you everything you need to know about the movie without giving anything critical away. On that basis, allow me to present the greatest movie poster of all time:
This tells me everything I need to know (that I am never, ever going to see this) without giving up single scrap of coherent plot. In fact, it's such a nonsensical smashing together of pieces I know less about the universe than before I saw it, and the word "plot" itself has been weakened. Four more posters like this and the dictionaries will read "plot: (n), vague excuse for explosions and giving celebrities money."
We've got a speeding car, mountain, aliens, helicopters, poster children for the Aryan People's Front, and The Rock. In fact, the only thing that isn't on that poster is a goddamn witch. I'm picturing four writers, fired from Scary Movie for eating the crayons instead of scribbling dick jokes with them, getting together for a "Vodka Shots and Shitty Scripts" party. One guy throws up a Smirnoff/Crayola cocktail all over the table, and rather than wasting a whole five minutes recreating what they lost, they just pick out the pages with the least puke and make a movie.
They also misprinted "The Rock" as "Dwayne Johnson", a worrying sign that he's thinking of himself as an ar-teeste instead of self-propelled prop. I'm sorry, "The", but you don't get into movies based on an ability to bodyslam people paid to let you do so and then declare you're an actor. That's like jumping through the window of a stockholders meeting, brushing glass off your t-shirt, and telling security that you're CEO.
Conclusion: I was accidentally exposed to the trailer while looking for the above image, and it achieves the impossible. It's actually stupider. Unless you're being hunted by a rogue future-bot sent back in time to kill anyone with your IQ or above, you have no reason to endure this movie.
This tells me everything I need to know (that I am never, ever going to see this) without giving up single scrap of coherent plot. In fact, it's such a nonsensical smashing together of pieces I know less about the universe than before I saw it, and the word "plot" itself has been weakened. Four more posters like this and the dictionaries will read "plot: (n), vague excuse for explosions and giving celebrities money."
We've got a speeding car, mountain, aliens, helicopters, poster children for the Aryan People's Front, and The Rock. In fact, the only thing that isn't on that poster is a goddamn witch. I'm picturing four writers, fired from Scary Movie for eating the crayons instead of scribbling dick jokes with them, getting together for a "Vodka Shots and Shitty Scripts" party. One guy throws up a Smirnoff/Crayola cocktail all over the table, and rather than wasting a whole five minutes recreating what they lost, they just pick out the pages with the least puke and make a movie.
They also misprinted "The Rock" as "Dwayne Johnson", a worrying sign that he's thinking of himself as an ar-teeste instead of self-propelled prop. I'm sorry, "The", but you don't get into movies based on an ability to bodyslam people paid to let you do so and then declare you're an actor. That's like jumping through the window of a stockholders meeting, brushing glass off your t-shirt, and telling security that you're CEO.
Conclusion: I was accidentally exposed to the trailer while looking for the above image, and it achieves the impossible. It's actually stupider. Unless you're being hunted by a rogue future-bot sent back in time to kill anyone with your IQ or above, you have no reason to endure this movie.
Luke Online: Week Ending March 12
Where has Luke been online this week? Oh, only a little place called
My excellent amigo Evil Dave did a few fun calculations on the recent nuclear sub collision. If you don't know what I'm talking about, jesus, pal, whatever you're reading online are the wrong pages. He basically showed that even if the sub drivers were drunk, bored, steering at random and refusing to avoid anything smaller than a continent, they still wouldn't have collided anywhere near as fast as they did.
I helped out with the numbers because, honestly, simulating nuclear-equipped war vehicles as randomly moving pinballs is the kind of sentence I live just to be able to say. The results were picked up by The Numbers Guy of the Wall Street Journal.
Other stuff:
We've always assumed the inevitable robot attacks would be due to high digital-dickness quotient. It turns out that the electronic extermination of "the ones who rub each other for fun" will be revenge over our building robots specifically to torture them.
Exhibit A:
My excellent amigo Evil Dave did a few fun calculations on the recent nuclear sub collision. If you don't know what I'm talking about, jesus, pal, whatever you're reading online are the wrong pages. He basically showed that even if the sub drivers were drunk, bored, steering at random and refusing to avoid anything smaller than a continent, they still wouldn't have collided anywhere near as fast as they did.I helped out with the numbers because, honestly, simulating nuclear-equipped war vehicles as randomly moving pinballs is the kind of sentence I live just to be able to say. The results were picked up by The Numbers Guy of the Wall Street Journal.
Other stuff:
We've always assumed the inevitable robot attacks would be due to high digital-dickness quotient. It turns out that the electronic extermination of "the ones who rub each other for fun" will be revenge over our building robots specifically to torture them.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B: Your nightmares tonight.
I also had a little bit of fun with Garry's DOOM, a mod which loads the very latest physics-simulating Source engine with all the original DOOM weapons. Did I have fun?
I also had a little bit of fun with Garry's DOOM, a mod which loads the very latest physics-simulating Source engine with all the original DOOM weapons. Did I have fun?
I describe this as fun, and people are too smart to disagree.
Yes. Yes, I did.
Plenty of fun over at the Daily Galaxy, including (but not limited to) liquid batteries, Cannibal Planets, Moonbase Building Robots, Antarctic Based Robots (so there is literally nowhere to go), and a new probe expected to find hundreds of Earth-a-likes. You know, moderately interesting stuff.
Finally, FoodConnect asked me to write about drinking on the run up to St Patrick's day. Finally, the job I was born for. My advice can be summed up as
though I did go into a few more words about it - alas, FoodConnect is family-friendly, so not enough of them were swearing to truly get across my feelings. For those who just have to have emerald alcohol on the day, I point out a couple of acceptable cocktails: the Heavenly and party-fuel Greenhouse Gas.
Plenty of fun over at the Daily Galaxy, including (but not limited to) liquid batteries, Cannibal Planets, Moonbase Building Robots, Antarctic Based Robots (so there is literally nowhere to go), and a new probe expected to find hundreds of Earth-a-likes. You know, moderately interesting stuff.Finally, FoodConnect asked me to write about drinking on the run up to St Patrick's day. Finally, the job I was born for. My advice can be summed up as
though I did go into a few more words about it - alas, FoodConnect is family-friendly, so not enough of them were swearing to truly get across my feelings. For those who just have to have emerald alcohol on the day, I point out a couple of acceptable cocktails: the Heavenly and party-fuel Greenhouse Gas.Luke Online: Week Ending Fed 22 2009
Some scientific fun over at The Daily Galaxy, with communications satellites blowing up, the Titan/Europa debate being decided, a little bit on curing the common cold, and Gravity Disturbances on the Dark Side of the Moon (dundunDUNNNN).At Dial-a-Phone we see some alarm clocks that rouse you through sheer robot-fear, while the LowPings article tackles the most pathetic of modern hackers: exploiters.
*Note: unnecessary and quite horrifically forced slang triggered to counter the fact we're actually talking about calendars.
At FoodConnect, aka "Those gorgeous angelic beings who pay me to drink and eat" (and just click outside their silly join box), behold:
Yes, my writing duty demanded that I eat half a ton of mussels, drink beer, develop even more love in my lover while simultaneously getting sugar, and eat the ultimate fusion of bacon, chilli and sucrose. WARNING: A shitload of animals were harmed in the making of these articles, as "digested" are about as harmed as it gets.Sign Function: "Gentlemen"
From a changing room:
This sign has a multitude of problems:
Number one is "It exists, and therefore damns the entire male gender."
Number two is "The targets exist, despite the wide availability of bludgeoning instruments."
The third is "assuming the target can read", which is like a sexy co-ed hoping that the axe murderer is distracted by the fine lacework on her skimpy nightie. Any information campaign has to intelligently target their audience, and "writing" might be a bit highbrow for someone prepared to walk into a public place and fire their face into the facilities like a snot-loaded shotgun.
Number one is "It exists, and therefore damns the entire male gender."
Number two is "The targets exist, despite the wide availability of bludgeoning instruments."
The third is "assuming the target can read", which is like a sexy co-ed hoping that the axe murderer is distracted by the fine lacework on her skimpy nightie. Any information campaign has to intelligently target their audience, and "writing" might be a bit highbrow for someone prepared to walk into a public place and fire their face into the facilities like a snot-loaded shotgun.
Perhaps marking the area with urine or a dismembered carcass might be better suited, and still less disgusting than naked men blasting streamers of mucus, like the worlds worst party-popper, all over the place people wash their hands. Or at least did until they saw this sign.
Luke Online: Week Ending Feb 9 2009
What's more fun than annihilating your inferiors with one hundred and fifty kilograms of minigun?
Getting paid for it! Like I did with Five Things To Do While Slowed By Natascha for the fine folks over at Lowpings.
We had a lot of fun at the Daily Galaxy this week. The biggest hit was Unnatural Selection: Evolving, Improving, Implacable Robots. Or as I prefer to look at it,
Oh yes. Other enjoyabilities included Black Hole Bullshit: Five Rubbish "Risks" Of The LHC, making ecologists burn butterflies for solar power, people getting upset over fossils, and the recent highs and lows of Google projects. In this case "highs" means Atlantis and Mars, "lows" means cutting off the internet. Important chaps, Google.
Ever wanted to get your ass arrested while being sure that ass has more cheeks than you have IQ points? Follow the fine example of these phone felon folk. And which costs more: watching TV, a duck quacking, or phoning a sex line? The answer isn't what you think, but since you're actually able to read you probably aren't the guy who was charged thirty thousand pounds for an episode of Prison Break. Also, SND POLICE KTHXBAI!, mobile phone gaming beating the recession and Motorala losing over three billion dollars (presumably down the back of a sofa ten miles tall and made of unicorn skin).
(Just click outside the stupid "Join Now" box)
I love this bit, where "bit" is "where I get paid for eating and drinking." This week: gigantic sausages on sticks (yes, plural sticks are required), valentine-compatible drinks, and I recoup a few percent of a five hundred dollar bar bill (worth every cent).
Seven internet-enabled reasons you should be able to sterilize people via HTML at 7 Retarded Hate Sites. Bonus: people burning effigies of herbs in public!
I look at how actually leaving the computer and dealing with co-workers might help. But that assumes you have the kind of job where you arent' reading this, so maybe you should just stay put.
Getting paid for it! Like I did with Five Things To Do While Slowed By Natascha for the fine folks over at Lowpings.We had a lot of fun at the Daily Galaxy this week. The biggest hit was Unnatural Selection: Evolving, Improving, Implacable Robots. Or as I prefer to look at it,
Oh yes. Other enjoyabilities included Black Hole Bullshit: Five Rubbish "Risks" Of The LHC, making ecologists burn butterflies for solar power, people getting upset over fossils, and the recent highs and lows of Google projects. In this case "highs" means Atlantis and Mars, "lows" means cutting off the internet. Important chaps, Google.Ever wanted to get your ass arrested while being sure that ass has more cheeks than you have IQ points? Follow the fine example of these phone felon folk. And which costs more: watching TV, a duck quacking, or phoning a sex line? The answer isn't what you think, but since you're actually able to read you probably aren't the guy who was charged thirty thousand pounds for an episode of Prison Break. Also, SND POLICE KTHXBAI!, mobile phone gaming beating the recession and Motorala losing over three billion dollars (presumably down the back of a sofa ten miles tall and made of unicorn skin).
(Just click outside the stupid "Join Now" box)
I love this bit, where "bit" is "where I get paid for eating and drinking." This week: gigantic sausages on sticks (yes, plural sticks are required), valentine-compatible drinks, and I recoup a few percent of a five hundred dollar bar bill (worth every cent).
Seven internet-enabled reasons you should be able to sterilize people via HTML at 7 Retarded Hate Sites. Bonus: people burning effigies of herbs in public!
I look at how actually leaving the computer and dealing with co-workers might help. But that assumes you have the kind of job where you arent' reading this, so maybe you should just stay put.
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