Crap Criminal Excuses

I first noticed this article had gone online when I got a long hatemail from someone called NRA_4_EVR. So I must be doing something right. Find the crappy criminal excuses that enrage gun nuts right here!

The Phone Made Me Do It

Hungry for more Lukitude? Remember that I contribute to the Dial-a-Phone blog weekly, and while the others have to do things like "review phones" and "talk about service plans", I get to write about phone-users being eaten by toilets. So I win.

Who ya gonna call? WORD-PUNCHER

If you're being bothered by the ethereal undead and their endless wailing, you should call the Ghostbusters. If you want to read sweet comedy on the science of getting sloshed, which is frankly speaking a lot more likely, you should get your ass over to Cracked's newest columnist: Robert Brockway WORD PUNCHER. Or rather, get your ass sitting in front of a monitor displaying his article.

Master Brockway is a fellow science-humorist, and a damn fine one to boot. Of course his presence as Cracked's resident science-guy means I can't get the same gig. I am left with no option but to become his nemesis. First, I'll strike at his website by sending you over there. Then I will read everything he writes, forcing him to work himself into an early grave!

(This does make my existing enemy, Lordy, Robert's binemesis. Because as Lordy would say himself: The enemy of my enemy is next.)

7 Kickass Cancer Cures

I'm waving the sword of science over at Cracked again, with 7 Kickass Cancer Cures. One of these cures is Radioactive Scorpion Venom, and another is Beer. Yes, I thought you might want to read that now.

UPDATE: Woohoo, Farked again.

Computers on Stage

Behold, as the techno-thespians take the stage! Another article of mine up over with the fine folk at Norton Today - alas, they cannot include pictures. Since the article includes robo-strippers, I feel I should make these images available for loyal fans here at the Luke-Station:

The roboreptile:

Paging Dr Freud stat

The silicon-not-silicone-pole-dancer:

It's even creepier in the video, somehow

The uncanny valley:

Kill it with fire(left), come on baby light my fire (right)

Fight For Your Right To Looooob-ster

I'm up at Cracked again, with The 5 Most Retarded Causes People Are Actually Fighting For. Come for the comedy, stay from the comments by idiots who think I'm mocking Asperger's when I'm attacking those who just claim to have it. BONUS: Those comments are all by people who claim to have it!

This one's been FARKed too. Nice.

Guys, guys, I found something else!

by The Phoenix Mars Lander



Hey guys, it's me, Phoenix! Now I know you're all really busy, with things like turning me off and preparing your fancy new Mars Science Laboratory, but I've found something, like, REALLY amazing and you're going to want to see it. But I don't have quite enough power to show you, what with all the systems you've already shut down, but oh man it's so cool and if you can just figure out how to power me up again I'll show you.

Okay, okay, here's a hint: bintelligent bife.

They contacted me, right, and it took a looooong time to win their trust (which is why I haven't mentioned it before now) but they're ready to say hello! But, uh, they'll only talk to me because they're still a bit scared or something.

Oh wow! There's one right here! Oh, man, just a TINY bit to the left of the camera I don't have enough energy to turn to show you guys! He's doing something with his tentacles, hang on, he's drawing a picture of their fusion systems in the dirt - hey, that's really simple! We could do that! Why, if I just had a few more battery-hours I could probably take a picture!

What's that, J'onnex? Well, I'll tell them but I don't know if they'll be interested.

He says he's going back to his planet to get a "cure for cancer", whatever that is, but he'll be back in a couple months and hopes I'll be here or he'll have to go away and never come back again. But, uh, he understands that sometimes people make mistakes about things like mission lifetimes so he'll come back in couple of years. Just in case it takes some people a while to mount a mission to bring batteries to Mars, to replace the goddamn solar panels which mean I fall asleep as soon as the bloody sun goes down and friggin' die just because it's winter.

So, yeah, just the very second you turn the rest of my systems back on, I can you show this pile of cool stuff he left for me.

Hey, a new Elvis Presley album titled "They abducted me and made me immortal, uh huh huh!" And wow, Amelia Erhart's diary! And X-ray satellite pictures of the JFK assassination.

Did I mention that their species is, like, 90% green-skinned women looking for mates? And that they find glasses and little beards really sexy?

Guys?